The Waiting Game

What are you waiting for? You are all familiar with this sense of waiting: for something to happen, for circumstances to change, to reach some place from which you can finally feel a sense that you've arrived. What each one is waiting for is unique to each individual but that sense of waiting, of anticipation, of frustration - that sense is common to all.

Perhaps you are waiting for your dream career, perhaps your waiting to find love, or maybe your waiting for a lucky break, or your waiting for peace of mind. Maybe you are waiting to explore the world, maybe you're waiting to explore yourself, maybe you are waiting to truly live, laugh and love, maybe you're waiting for the pain to end. The flavors are endless, but no matter what your particular flavor of choice is, the waiting is the same.

Waiting is an addiction, one that afflicts the vast majority. And as with any addiction, satisfying the craving doesn't get rid of it, it amplifies it. That's the brilliant irony of the waiting game, the sarcastic punchline to it all. The only thing waiting guarantees is just more waiting. Regardless of what you are waiting for, regardless of whether you get what it is you want or not.

You will still continue to wait, because the waiting is what allows you to postpone the inevitable realization: that there is no other place to get to, there is no other person to become, that there is no experience that is worth anything more than who, what and where you are right here and right now.

When you see that what you were waiting for can never be fulfilled, when you truly see this, not intellectually but on a most fundamental level, then all waiting comes to a stop. And paradoxically, in the same moment you can see that you are already fulfilled and always have been. That the sense of lack you felt WAS the waiting. You were the fisherman, you were the line and the hook and you were the fish that took the bait each time - hook, line and sinker.

Seafarers of the Mind

This core of Silence, of deep peace, exists within all of us. It is our home, where we naturally reside, where we belong.

This simple truth has become obscured to us because we find ourselves lost in our minds: in our thoughts, emotions, opinions and drives, about ourselves, about others, about how, why, what and where we are, could be, should be.

In short, we are perpetually navigating the tides of the Mind, that vast moving sea upon which we find ourselves adrift. We live at the mercy of these tides, living cautiously, hesitantly, hoping and praying for calm waters, dreading the fury of its storms. The Mind is whimsical.

Having lived like this for so long, we have forgotten that this sea is not our home. We are not creatures of the sea. The Land is where we belong. That ground of stillness, stability and abundance - where each one is provided for, body and soul, this is where we come from, this is our home.

Stepping back onto this sacred ground once again can seem daunting at first. Stillness after a lifetime of movement seems alien to us. It feels like returning to port after a long voyage, the momentum of the sea will stays with us for a while, rocking us back and forth, reminding us of our adventures. But it does settle.   And when it does, the recognition of our natural state comes to clarity.

And though we may be driven by our curiosity to navigate the seas again and again, the awareness of who we really are remains with us.

The Mirror of Ourselves

Life is the clear reflecting mirror in which we see our own image. Without this mirror we would have no means of being aware of ourselves. We become aware of ourselves each time we interact - with the environment, in our relationship with others and even conceptually in our own minds. Thinking is a sort of conceptual interaction where we interact with ideas, scenarios and images.

Each interaction creates another line in this image of who we are. Each interaction is another thread in the tapestry of our lives. And life, the experience of being here and now, is the mirror that reveals this tapestry to us as its being woven.

However, the mirror itself is imageless, is neutral, is completely clear. It reflects, unbiasedly, each and everyone that looks into it. It creates reality according to each one's unique specifications.

Life is inherently meaningless, clear and unbiased. The world it reflects back to you is your own image. It is a reflection of who you are. If the image you perceive in the mirror is bleak then if you were to introspect upon yourself you would find that sense of bleakness and hopelessness inside yourself. If the image you perceive is troubled, then it is a reflection of that aspect within you that is troubled. If the image you see is one of compassion then it is a reflection of the compassion in you.

Most commonly the world we see is a combination of all these aspects. The mistake we make is in assuming that the image in the mirror is real. It is not. It is only an image. It is your own reflection. When looking in the mirror, if you were to see a strand of hair out of place would you attempt to fix your own hair or that of the image in the mirror?

Attempting to affect positive lasting change in the world by trying to fix external circumstances is a similar idea. Until we see that the source of the issue isn't in the image but in the one watching the image, no lasting change can take place. 

When Gandhi said, "be the change you want to see in the world..." he wasn't being inspirational. He was being literal. You are 100% responsible for the reality you live in because you have created it.

The Viewpoint of Trust

Trust has very little to do with people, events or circumstances. Rather its a reference point from which we relate to people, events and circumstances.

When you are grounded in an understanding that every one and everything you encounter is an essential and indispensable aspect to your own growth then you are operating from a place of trust. When you no longer view the many circumstances of life with fear or distaste but rather with a sense of curiosity then you are operating from a place of trust.

Because from this vantage point of trust your perception is able to penetrate the hard outer shell of appearances, and to grasp at the nugget of what that experience truly has to offer. Then, all experiences, joyful or painful, are taken as equally valuable in that they are all lessons that further our growth. And sometimes it is the more painful lessons that draw our attention more deeply into ourselves.

When you are operating from a place of trust for no other reason than because it is what feels the most natural and reasonable thing to do, then you can begin to extend this trust to your relationships and your environment. Your actions are no longer driven solely by future outcomes or agendas but more fundamentally by a desire to align with and stay true to your own unique expression. Your entire life then becomes one great act of faith.

The Past-Future Continuum

The future is nothing more than a projection of the past. Think about it. The future, in the way we think, is an image we create in our minds based on everything we know, everything we've learned and everything we believe to be true. These include not only ideas and memories, but also feelings, sensations, fears - all that we have ever experienced and as a result come to value. It all comes from the past.

So the future then becomes nothing more than a shadow of the past. Much like when a streetlamp in the dark shines on an object and creates shadows of varying distortion - our awareness too, when it reflects on the past creates various images of the future. Some of the images (shadows) are large and menacing, others are fainter and more transparent. But regardless, just as object and shadow are inextricably linked, so too are the past and the future.

You cannot have a shadow without an object to create it. You cannot have an object that doesn't cast a shadow when brought into the light. When you bring attention and focus to the past, the mind inadvertently begins to approximate potential future scenarios. Similarly, when you are thinking about the future, the mind is automatically accessing its memory banks at a rapid pace. You may have heard the saying, "History repeats itself." This is in effect what is happening.

The future we perceive in our minds is never something new. It is just a different version of something old. That is because nothing new or fresh can come from the past.

To experience the new is to be present. In this present, lies the freshness that comes from spontaneous experience. Being present  requires us to become open to not knowing, to relinquish our over-dependence on our knowledge. Because knowing implies the past, it implies a sacrifice of a real experience for the memory of an experience, the sacrifice of reality for a virtual reality.

The Depth of Choice

All that we think, feel and believe to be true about ourselves is a choice. It is a choice we make from day to day and moment to moment, consciously or unconsciously.

Most people are unaware that this choice even exists. We live our lives defined by what we feel and think, accepting them as truths and enduring their consequences. As a result, we come to believe the limit of our ability to choose extends as far as our likes and dislikes, our ambitions and goals, our purpose in life. We rarely ever stop to consider that this very person, this "I", with its name, identity, thoughts, feelings and motivations itself is a choice.

As we grow in self-awareness we become exceedingly aware that we are in fact actively choosing who we think we are. To be "self aware" means to be aware of yourself. It is to witness yourself, almost as a third person in the equation. To watch yourself as you interact with the world and with others. To watch your emotions arise, fears arise, motivations arise and thoughts arise. To see the subtle ways these catalysts move you and how in turn you energize them.

In order to witness this "person that you are", you must actually sit outside your person. Almost like standing outside the window of your own shop (which is your body-mind) and looking in. As you become more and more familiar with observing yourself, you become simultaneously aware that this "person" you are witnessing with its own particular flavors of emotion and thought is really a choice. No thought is believed until you choose to believe it. No emotion can be adopted until you choose to adopt it. Nothing you see in your store window has been placed there without your permission.

To realize this is extremely liberating. When you see that what you are is a choice, then you see that everything is optional. Fear is optional, anger is optional, struggle, resistance and suffering are optional. And even though you may continue to choose to experience these heavier emotions out of habit, the awareness that an alternative exists will gradually cause a transformation in your relationship with yourself.

Embracing Paradox

Paradox is something we tend to fear and avoid. Because paradox blurs the boundaries between things. We all like our lives, our things, our relationships and our desires to be one way or another, clearly marked off into neat little spaces, divided by obvious boundaries. However, reality is rarely like this.

In our minds, we want ourselves to be one way or another. We may want to be loving, generous, tolerant, determined, forgiving, powerful, free or a number of other images we might have of ourselves. Yet, in reality there are those moments in which we are spiteful, stingy, intolerant, hesitant, vindictive, weak and imprisoned. In those moments, we have a tendency to be harsh on ourselves. As if somehow we have betrayed ourselves in our own esteem. This tendency to berate oneself for not having a high enough sense of esteem is what leads to low self esteem.

So here is the paradox once again. The compulsive need to have and to maintain a high self-esteem actually breeds low self-esteem. On the flip side, introvertion, fear, spitefulness and feelings of inadequacy can paradoxically create a sense of high self-esteem. A great example of this would be famous megalomaniacs in history like Hitler, Tim McVeigh and others.

There is no such thing as a permanent high nor a permanent low in this Universe. Every living being is an embodiment of it all - the high and the low. You cannot truly be loving until you are willing to allow yourself moments of spite. You cannot truly be generous or tolerant until you allow yourself those moments of selfishness and intolerance, if they appear naturally. You cannot accept just one face of a coin.

Embracing paradox is the choice to embrace the totality of who you are, the whole being. Not just the good bits, the strong bits, the worthy bits but equally and more vitally the rotten bits, the weak bits and the unworthy bits. When you can accept all of it without judgment or preference you are one step closer to becoming whole again.