The World Inside

Believe it or not there is nothing that you experience that is without your consent. All of the circumstances, the events, the joys and the pains that you experience are being chosen by you on some level of your consciousness whether you are aware of it or not.

The world "out there" is not as separate from you as you might imagine. In fact, you are influencing and shaping its evolution from moment to moment in more ways than you can imagine. And everything you perceive is right or wrong with the world out there is a reflection of some aspect of yourself that you are in fact relating to. And very often the things you tend to judge the most about people or events in your world around you are aspects of your own self that you are most in denial about or afraid to acknowledge.

As a society we have built intitutions, laws and religion in an attempt to do exactly this - to compartmentalize humanity into different versions - a worthy version, an unworthy version, a conscientious version, a perverse version - so that we may witness that same division in our world that we experience everyday within our own beings, where we pit our good self versus the evil, where we reward the repenter in us and chastise the sinner, where we idolize our generous nature while shaming that part of us that is greedy and covetous.
Its all a game. And the game you play with yourself is the game you will see in the world you live in. The world is a direct reflection of your inner state.

The point is not to reach some state of peaceful, joyful liberation. Rather true liberation is the liberation from having to reach any particular kind of state at all. True liberation exists only in the present moment and exactly within the content of this moment.

The entire Universe exists as a result of opposing forces. Every being constitutes positive aspects and negative aspects. It is the acceptance and deeper understanding of the necessity for both of these sides to exist that will lead you to a greater appreciation of who you really are.

Pain and pleasure are two necessary aspects of each and every single life experience you have had, are having or will ever have. Every coin must, by the limitations of our physical reality, have another side. It is impossible to experience only positive experiences. When we pursue happiness, this is what we in effect are telling ourselves. That there is such a place where I can feel good all the time.

There isn't and nor is it set up that way. The point isn't to try and setup a life in which you are impervious to heartbreak, to grief, to disaster, chaos or sorrow. Rather the point is to see that the pleasure and the pain, the joy and the sorrow are twins that worl in tandem, each feeding off the other, each strengthening the other.

You cannot truly understand the meaning of success without having faced failure, of confidence without doubt, of the true appreciation of family without loss, of the meaning of love without heartbreak. These dualities serve each other in allowing you the benefit of experiencing Life in a multitude of flavors.

Even in our societies, without war and genocide we would never have evolved to a point as a civilization where we collectively value human life and cherish it as we do. Without disease, we may never have evolved our understanding and creativity of medicine and anatomy, without nuclear holocaust we might never have developed a true respect of the awesome power and havoc we hold at our fingertips and the frailty of human life.

Every tragic event while tragic in circumstance, in the bigger picture provides catalyst for great positive change. It may be that the catalyst needs to be provided a number of times over and over until the lesson is learned. But without challenge, without chaos and without limitation there would be no such thing as success, harmony and liberation. The negative, the evil, the tragic, the destructive gives context to the positive, the good, the heroic and the creative. You cannot have one without the other.

This is the world you live in and this is the world that lives in you. The moment you stop dividing your inner world is the moment you begin to live in a world undivided. That means bringing the light of wisdom and love to ALL aspects of yourselves: the worthy aspects including the good, the generous, the kind, the selfless but even more vitally all those forgotten aspects of yourself that lurk in the shadows : the dark, the envious, the cruel and the selfish - these are just as worthy of your love and compassion as the others. They are all your inner selves and they are all deserving.

The Positive-Negative Relationship

Positive and negative are the two basic aspects of everything that exists in nature - from the microscopic to the macroscopic. Everything exists as a polarity of the two. And it is the interaction between the two that manifests as movement, as energy, as flux and as life.

A Universe in which everything is only positive would be devoid of any experience. Because there would be nothing to contrast against, nothing to relate with. There would be no way to even be aware of anything. This would be the case in a purely negative Universe, as well. Yet, when both positive and negative are present, the contrast between the two allows the current of reality to flow.

A photograph that is only white would show no image, nor would one that was only black. It is when the two coexist in relationship and balance that the image becomes clear and discernible. When positive and negative exist in balance, life can exist in harmony. However, when the balance begins to shift into bias in either direction the photograph soon becomes over exposed or under exposed compromising the image.   

What we term as “being positive” or “positivity” in our society is really a positive bias. And what we term as “being negative” or “negativity” is really a negative bias. As a culture we have come to fear the negative aspect of ourselves and have labelled it as undesirable and the positive as desirable. This is the very attitude that skews us.

The pursuit for Happiness is rarely a pursuit for balance and more often a pursuit for some state of pure and unconditional positivity. And this is where we tend to miss the mark in a big way. Because in skewing our perspective to value all that is worthy and positive in us and suppressing, denying and reprimanding all that is negative what we are really doing is fragmenting ourselves even further. We are creating an even greater divide between the two poles, a divide that energizes the conflict between the two and allows for misunderstanding and a lack of compassion.

In effect this is what we are witnessing in the word around us. Humanity itself functions very much like a single entity. We value those who represent all that is positive, all that is good, all that is in service of others. But also devalue those who represent the negative, all that is evil, all those who are in service of only their own perversions. The effect this has is in creating a further gulf, a greater void between the two and thus enhances the fear, the mistrust and the violence. The greater the polarization, the greater the conflict. Watch the dynamic at play within yourself.

When you are ready and willing to come out of denial and recognize that there is not one, but two, essential and equally vital aspects to yourself, then you may choose to approach it from a very different perspective. In recognizing that neither the positive nor the negative is of more value but that it is the harmony between the two that is your greatest responsibility, you immediately begin to see things from a new perspective. You see your body and mind as a weighing scale (a balance with positive on one side and negative on the other). Too much bias in either direction causes the scale to tip.

Ultimately, it is the dynamic between positive and negative that allows for growth and evolution. And in every case both positive and negative are of benefit. When the dynamic within you is a harmonious one, the flow of your life becomes more effortless and you embrace the whole of your being.

The Dynamics of Inner Conflict

This is an excerpt of a response I wrote to someone who asked me a query about inner conflict:

Hi (name omitted),

In your life you will find that there are certain motivations which are highly attractive to you and there will be some that cause a strong sense of repulsion in you. These motivations which manifest in various forms as thoughts, feelings, events, circumstances are essentially the course-syllabus of your life lesson. Each one's syllabus is unique to them. What is a strong attracting influence or repelling influence in one may have absolutely no effect, either positive or negative, on another person i.e. they are neutral in their response. But it is these attracting/repelling urges which set up the polarizations that then feed the energies of your ego.

For example, you may not be a very materially motivated person by nature and so material success and acquiring things may not be something that particularly interests you. In other words, you may have a naturally neutral attitude towards it, whereas for someone else it may be an aspect of their lives that consumes them and defines how their life will progress. On these so called neutral issues, you will find that there is not much ego momentum that can build up around it because there is no magnetic pull towards the issue. On the other hand, you may be someone who cares very deeply about the state of the world's affairs, about injustice and attrocity. On these issues you may find yourself having strong opinions, judgments and identities about things. And here your attractions and repulsions will be palpable - and this is the kind of arena in which the ego loves to play.

However, the point is not to be completely neutral. The point is to get a deeper understanding of what polarizes you.

Think of yourself as a battery, where the positive pole corresponds to all the light-natured aspects of yourself and the negative pole corresponds to all the dark-natured aspects. As long as these two poles exist the current of life will continue to flow, animating your body-mind.

Now I'll extend this analogy one step further. In physics, the voltage of a battery is defined as the potential distance between the two poles. As you polarize more and more strongly towards your attractions and against your repulsions, the voltage (polarization) of your self increases. From your school physics you may recall the formula for Ohm's Law V=IR where V is the voltage, I the current and R the resistance. If the current (ie the life energy stays the same) an increase in voltage implies an increase in the resistance you experience. There is a quote that goes "Ego is the resistance to what is." This resistance is essentially what the ego feeds on.

In other words, the more identified you are with your mental positions, the more polarized you are, the more resistance you will experience. And vice versa, any resistance you feel from external sources will polarize you further. It is also true that every electrical current generates a magnetic field around it. This is what attracts/repels other egos around you and you to them.

In response to you regarding my comment about "immersing yourself in the illusion" - this is the natural progression of life. At first, it is only through experiencing great resistance within ourselves that we become aware of how polarized we are and more importantly about the need to understand that polarity. This can only be done through a process of allowing the experience of these polarities. As we begin to understand, our understanding has a sort of balancing effect, a bringing together in a sense of the positive and the negative. This decreases the potential difference (the voltage) between the poles and hence so does the resistance. As the resistance frees up, the current flows more freely, the poles come into a balance and the magnetic field around the wire no longer magnetizes other egos in the way it once did.

There is no way around this process. any attempt to be only postive by avoidance of negative only polarizes further. Any over indulgence in the negative while losing perspective of the positive only polarizes further. If you shift your focus from attempting to contrive a more positive/negative scenario towards reconnecting with that current that animates you in every moment, you will have a stronger and stronger sense of the wholeness that is essentially at the root of all of it.

The Flow of Life

Nothing lasts. Everything passes, changes and transforms. To live is to be in movement. Flux is the foundation of all experience.

Whether the experience of this moment is pleasant or painful, whether your current situation is stagnant or evolving, your life flows at a pace that is independent of your perception of it.

Picture yourself in a canoe being carried down a river at a steady pace. This river is the current of your life, ever moving, never stagnating. As you cruise with the river you are aware of the changing scenery along the river banks. This scenery is much like the content of your life, the events, moods and milestones that illustrate it. Sometimes the scenery is bare, bleak and boring. Sometimes it is fascinating, exotic and exciting.
Sitting in the canoe you may become preoccupied with the scenery on the riverbank. Your mind may begin to fixate on the more pleasant landscapes and tend to fear the duller and bleaker ones. And you may turn your head desperately from this way to that, holding on to a specific point in the landscape as it receeds into the distance or waiting in anticipation for it to come again. But you have no control. The river keeps moving and with it so do you.

There comes a point when the frustration of trying to hang on to the good experiences and wishing away the negative ones begins to overwhelm you to the point where you give up on the whole game. It is at this point that you may feel the current of this river more strongly than ever. It is at this point that a new reality may dawn on you :

That experiences come and experiences go, but experience isn't the point of this whole process that we call life. Experience is only the background landscape against which life is lived. Rather the deeper purpose is to connect with the flow beneath your feet that is guiding your canoe. And in connecting with this infinitely powerful energy, learning how to navigate its currents.

Then, you are no longer guided by what you see on the riverbanks. No longer do you paddle desperately upstream to reclaim what you once had. Nor do you paddle furiously ahead hoping to encounter something you desperately crave. Rather you follow along with the flow of the river, listening to is, learning from it, using your paddle as a rudder to guide you.

In this way, the current of the river becomes as familiar to you as the beating of your own heart. Grounded in this faith, you become unshakeable. 

Understanding Pain

Whatever you are feeling right now is ok. Whatever the experience of this moment, no matter how harsh, no matter how painful, allow it to be there. Allow it to coexist alongside you, for as long as it will, for as long as it has to.

You may feel the urge to resist it, to wish it away, to ignore it, to overpower it, to deny it. But your avoidance and your resistance will only serve to enhance it, to magnify it. The pain that you feel is nothing more than a cry for help. It is an aspect of your own nature that you are refusing to acknowledge, to recognize. It is an aspect of your own self that you disown each time you recoil from it in fear. And its cries of desperation get louder and louder every time you do.

Your pain, your suffering is not some demonic entity that you need to protect yourself from. It is your own inner child, it is innocent, it is crying out for you to acknowledge it. Be kind to it, be gentle. When grief, when heartache, when frustration beset you, in this moment more than in any other is compassion the only required response. Compassion for that aspect of your self that wants to heal. That is all the pain is ever really about, an opportunity to heal.

Be kind to your suffering, be generous in your acceptance. With healing comes a deeper grounding in that core of peace that is within all of us, which is always available. Grounded in peace, even experiences of great sorrow are seen as the lessons of love that they truly are. 

The Waiting Game

What are you waiting for? You are all familiar with this sense of waiting: for something to happen, for circumstances to change, to reach some place from which you can finally feel a sense that you've arrived. What each one is waiting for is unique to each individual but that sense of waiting, of anticipation, of frustration - that sense is common to all.

Perhaps you are waiting for your dream career, perhaps your waiting to find love, or maybe your waiting for a lucky break, or your waiting for peace of mind. Maybe you are waiting to explore the world, maybe you're waiting to explore yourself, maybe you are waiting to truly live, laugh and love, maybe you're waiting for the pain to end. The flavors are endless, but no matter what your particular flavor of choice is, the waiting is the same.

Waiting is an addiction, one that afflicts the vast majority. And as with any addiction, satisfying the craving doesn't get rid of it, it amplifies it. That's the brilliant irony of the waiting game, the sarcastic punchline to it all. The only thing waiting guarantees is just more waiting. Regardless of what you are waiting for, regardless of whether you get what it is you want or not.

You will still continue to wait, because the waiting is what allows you to postpone the inevitable realization: that there is no other place to get to, there is no other person to become, that there is no experience that is worth anything more than who, what and where you are right here and right now.

When you see that what you were waiting for can never be fulfilled, when you truly see this, not intellectually but on a most fundamental level, then all waiting comes to a stop. And paradoxically, in the same moment you can see that you are already fulfilled and always have been. That the sense of lack you felt WAS the waiting. You were the fisherman, you were the line and the hook and you were the fish that took the bait each time - hook, line and sinker.

Seafarers of the Mind

This core of Silence, of deep peace, exists within all of us. It is our home, where we naturally reside, where we belong.

This simple truth has become obscured to us because we find ourselves lost in our minds: in our thoughts, emotions, opinions and drives, about ourselves, about others, about how, why, what and where we are, could be, should be.

In short, we are perpetually navigating the tides of the Mind, that vast moving sea upon which we find ourselves adrift. We live at the mercy of these tides, living cautiously, hesitantly, hoping and praying for calm waters, dreading the fury of its storms. The Mind is whimsical.

Having lived like this for so long, we have forgotten that this sea is not our home. We are not creatures of the sea. The Land is where we belong. That ground of stillness, stability and abundance - where each one is provided for, body and soul, this is where we come from, this is our home.

Stepping back onto this sacred ground once again can seem daunting at first. Stillness after a lifetime of movement seems alien to us. It feels like returning to port after a long voyage, the momentum of the sea will stays with us for a while, rocking us back and forth, reminding us of our adventures. But it does settle.   And when it does, the recognition of our natural state comes to clarity.

And though we may be driven by our curiosity to navigate the seas again and again, the awareness of who we really are remains with us.

The Mirror of Ourselves

Life is the clear reflecting mirror in which we see our own image. Without this mirror we would have no means of being aware of ourselves. We become aware of ourselves each time we interact - with the environment, in our relationship with others and even conceptually in our own minds. Thinking is a sort of conceptual interaction where we interact with ideas, scenarios and images.

Each interaction creates another line in this image of who we are. Each interaction is another thread in the tapestry of our lives. And life, the experience of being here and now, is the mirror that reveals this tapestry to us as its being woven.

However, the mirror itself is imageless, is neutral, is completely clear. It reflects, unbiasedly, each and everyone that looks into it. It creates reality according to each one's unique specifications.

Life is inherently meaningless, clear and unbiased. The world it reflects back to you is your own image. It is a reflection of who you are. If the image you perceive in the mirror is bleak then if you were to introspect upon yourself you would find that sense of bleakness and hopelessness inside yourself. If the image you perceive is troubled, then it is a reflection of that aspect within you that is troubled. If the image you see is one of compassion then it is a reflection of the compassion in you.

Most commonly the world we see is a combination of all these aspects. The mistake we make is in assuming that the image in the mirror is real. It is not. It is only an image. It is your own reflection. When looking in the mirror, if you were to see a strand of hair out of place would you attempt to fix your own hair or that of the image in the mirror?

Attempting to affect positive lasting change in the world by trying to fix external circumstances is a similar idea. Until we see that the source of the issue isn't in the image but in the one watching the image, no lasting change can take place. 

When Gandhi said, "be the change you want to see in the world..." he wasn't being inspirational. He was being literal. You are 100% responsible for the reality you live in because you have created it.

The Viewpoint of Trust

Trust has very little to do with people, events or circumstances. Rather its a reference point from which we relate to people, events and circumstances.

When you are grounded in an understanding that every one and everything you encounter is an essential and indispensable aspect to your own growth then you are operating from a place of trust. When you no longer view the many circumstances of life with fear or distaste but rather with a sense of curiosity then you are operating from a place of trust.

Because from this vantage point of trust your perception is able to penetrate the hard outer shell of appearances, and to grasp at the nugget of what that experience truly has to offer. Then, all experiences, joyful or painful, are taken as equally valuable in that they are all lessons that further our growth. And sometimes it is the more painful lessons that draw our attention more deeply into ourselves.

When you are operating from a place of trust for no other reason than because it is what feels the most natural and reasonable thing to do, then you can begin to extend this trust to your relationships and your environment. Your actions are no longer driven solely by future outcomes or agendas but more fundamentally by a desire to align with and stay true to your own unique expression. Your entire life then becomes one great act of faith.

The Past-Future Continuum

The future is nothing more than a projection of the past. Think about it. The future, in the way we think, is an image we create in our minds based on everything we know, everything we've learned and everything we believe to be true. These include not only ideas and memories, but also feelings, sensations, fears - all that we have ever experienced and as a result come to value. It all comes from the past.

So the future then becomes nothing more than a shadow of the past. Much like when a streetlamp in the dark shines on an object and creates shadows of varying distortion - our awareness too, when it reflects on the past creates various images of the future. Some of the images (shadows) are large and menacing, others are fainter and more transparent. But regardless, just as object and shadow are inextricably linked, so too are the past and the future.

You cannot have a shadow without an object to create it. You cannot have an object that doesn't cast a shadow when brought into the light. When you bring attention and focus to the past, the mind inadvertently begins to approximate potential future scenarios. Similarly, when you are thinking about the future, the mind is automatically accessing its memory banks at a rapid pace. You may have heard the saying, "History repeats itself." This is in effect what is happening.

The future we perceive in our minds is never something new. It is just a different version of something old. That is because nothing new or fresh can come from the past.

To experience the new is to be present. In this present, lies the freshness that comes from spontaneous experience. Being present  requires us to become open to not knowing, to relinquish our over-dependence on our knowledge. Because knowing implies the past, it implies a sacrifice of a real experience for the memory of an experience, the sacrifice of reality for a virtual reality.

The Depth of Choice

All that we think, feel and believe to be true about ourselves is a choice. It is a choice we make from day to day and moment to moment, consciously or unconsciously.

Most people are unaware that this choice even exists. We live our lives defined by what we feel and think, accepting them as truths and enduring their consequences. As a result, we come to believe the limit of our ability to choose extends as far as our likes and dislikes, our ambitions and goals, our purpose in life. We rarely ever stop to consider that this very person, this "I", with its name, identity, thoughts, feelings and motivations itself is a choice.

As we grow in self-awareness we become exceedingly aware that we are in fact actively choosing who we think we are. To be "self aware" means to be aware of yourself. It is to witness yourself, almost as a third person in the equation. To watch yourself as you interact with the world and with others. To watch your emotions arise, fears arise, motivations arise and thoughts arise. To see the subtle ways these catalysts move you and how in turn you energize them.

In order to witness this "person that you are", you must actually sit outside your person. Almost like standing outside the window of your own shop (which is your body-mind) and looking in. As you become more and more familiar with observing yourself, you become simultaneously aware that this "person" you are witnessing with its own particular flavors of emotion and thought is really a choice. No thought is believed until you choose to believe it. No emotion can be adopted until you choose to adopt it. Nothing you see in your store window has been placed there without your permission.

To realize this is extremely liberating. When you see that what you are is a choice, then you see that everything is optional. Fear is optional, anger is optional, struggle, resistance and suffering are optional. And even though you may continue to choose to experience these heavier emotions out of habit, the awareness that an alternative exists will gradually cause a transformation in your relationship with yourself.

Embracing Paradox

Paradox is something we tend to fear and avoid. Because paradox blurs the boundaries between things. We all like our lives, our things, our relationships and our desires to be one way or another, clearly marked off into neat little spaces, divided by obvious boundaries. However, reality is rarely like this.

In our minds, we want ourselves to be one way or another. We may want to be loving, generous, tolerant, determined, forgiving, powerful, free or a number of other images we might have of ourselves. Yet, in reality there are those moments in which we are spiteful, stingy, intolerant, hesitant, vindictive, weak and imprisoned. In those moments, we have a tendency to be harsh on ourselves. As if somehow we have betrayed ourselves in our own esteem. This tendency to berate oneself for not having a high enough sense of esteem is what leads to low self esteem.

So here is the paradox once again. The compulsive need to have and to maintain a high self-esteem actually breeds low self-esteem. On the flip side, introvertion, fear, spitefulness and feelings of inadequacy can paradoxically create a sense of high self-esteem. A great example of this would be famous megalomaniacs in history like Hitler, Tim McVeigh and others.

There is no such thing as a permanent high nor a permanent low in this Universe. Every living being is an embodiment of it all - the high and the low. You cannot truly be loving until you are willing to allow yourself moments of spite. You cannot truly be generous or tolerant until you allow yourself those moments of selfishness and intolerance, if they appear naturally. You cannot accept just one face of a coin.

Embracing paradox is the choice to embrace the totality of who you are, the whole being. Not just the good bits, the strong bits, the worthy bits but equally and more vitally the rotten bits, the weak bits and the unworthy bits. When you can accept all of it without judgment or preference you are one step closer to becoming whole again.

A Collection of Statuses

It was suggested to me that I post some of my musings from Facebook onto the blog so here goes:

We are encouraged by society to have a strong sense of ourselves as individuals; to be unique, to stand out, to be well defined. And while this is a great ideal to live up to, we have somehow misconstrued this "strong sense of ourselves" to be synonymous with solidity, with rigidity, with immovability, with being static.

 To have a strong sense of identity is quite the opposite. It is to see ones...elf in more fluid, changing, evolving, dynamic and flexible terms.

 When we look towards our minds and our thoughts to provide us with our self identity, we are really working with ideas and images that are outdated and frozen in time. Who you are and who you think you are is always out of synch, because your image of yourself is no more than a screenshot in time whereas your reality is perpetually evolving in real-time.

 Most of suffering generates from constantly trying to reconcile the image in the mind with the reality we see. The image is frozen. Like a glacier in the winter. Whereas reality flows like a river.

 When we are able to stay more present in our day to day lives, when we are relying less and less on those mental images we compulsively hold on to, then we begin to connect with a sense of identity that is less clearly defined. It is based on an awareness that is purely spontaneous, fresh and immediate. It is not burdened with the weight of concepts and expectations which make it sluggish and solidified like ice. Rather, free of past and future projections, it is fluid and flexible like water.

 Then the only rational response to any circumstance in life is no longer resistance/struggle but an immediate acceptance without blame/jedgment followed by fluidly adapting to whatever challenge the circumstance brings forth.

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Open, vulnerable, curious, trusting, spontaneous - this is our natural state. None of these implies ignorance. Ignorance is the result of a narrow mind, defensiveness, lack of curiosity, mistrust and premeditation.

 Whether we are willing to admit it or not each and every one of us is ignorant to a degree. So before judging another's ignorance are you willing to take a look at your own? When we ar...e able to own our own ignorance with grace and humility then we may be able to accept the ignorance of another.

 And in those moments when we feel superior, more compassionate, more civilized than those who are more ignorant than us and cast judgment on them from high up on our moral pedestals, let us reflect back on our own ignorance. So that we may see that we are all just blind men and women fumbling about in the dark. Just because someone is blinder than us doesn't somehow make us superior.

 We are all just afraid of the darkness within our own hearts. That is what makes us turn on ourselves and each other. When we stop fearing the darkness of ignorance is when the light of compassion can begin to shine.

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Your name is changeable, your body is changeable, your mind is changeable, your feelings are changeable, your faith is changeable, your ambition is changeable, your work is changeable, your dreams are changeable, your relationships are changeable, your sexuality is changeable, even your gender is changeable. There is nothing about you that is immune to change. To resist change is to oppose your very nature.

 Everything that happens is an aspect of change - positive and negative - it is all change. When you prefer and give value to only the positive in yourself you disown all that is not. The very nature of flux, of change, is ebb and flow, is crest and trough, is positive and negative. To embrace change is to embrace the entire movement not just the crests, not just the high tides.

 When you can embrace change in its totality, only then are you be able to see that within yourself that remains unchanging, eternal and constantly present. That deep acceptance where everything that is, is permitted to exist without judgment or favor. It is a vast open space of unconditional love. When you can begin to give this gift of clarity to yourself, you will simultaneously bring it into the world around you.

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Love is not just a feeling, not just an effect, not just something external that happens to you. On a deeper, more fundamental level, Love is a perspective, a cause, that source inside you from which every thought and action has the capacity to transform all that you come in contact with.

 Picture the Mind and the Heart to be the right and left lenses of the glasses through which we see the world.... Through the experience of living these lenses get scuffed, scratched, chipped and cracked. And each imperfection in the lens causes a distortion in reality - in the way we perceive life, the world around us and ourselves.

 Every grievance we hold for another is a judgment we hold of ourselves. The distortion and the blemish go hand in hand. It is unavoidable.

 Lost in the haze of our own imperfections and a world of distortion we are on a perpetual quest to feel better, do better, find better - to somehow fix these lenses consciously or subconsciously. To repair this Heart, to perfect this Mind.

 Love is the clarity with which we see when we are no longer disturbed by the flaws and distortions of the Heart and Mind. It is the realization that we do not become perfect in the absence of our flaws but have always been perfect in spite of them.

 Our true identity is not in the lenses but in the eyes behind them that see unconditionally. When we can reconnect with the miracle of sight - that is love. Then there is only an unconditional acceptance: of ourselves, of the world, of this moment just as it is - imperfect, distorted and infinitely beautiful. See more

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 Comfort, joy, anger and fear - these are the changing weather patterns of the mind. Passion, happiness, boredom and melancholy - these are the cyclical seasons of the soul. Each day's weather brings a different experience. Each season represents an opportunity for growth. It is possible to find comfort in the midst of melancholy like a clear sunny day in the middle of winter. Or to feel anxiety in...the midst of happiness, like a summer storm that drenches the heat.

 We may have our preferences of weather and season. Yet, the weather and seasons follow a deeper intelligence, one that is not contingent upon our whims and fancies. Each experience of the mind, be it sunny or cloudy, is an experience worth having. Each season of the soul, be it summer or winter, is a lesson worth learning.

 And while, the weather may change and the seasons me come and go, the Sun that is your true nature, will continue to shine everyday regardless of whether it can be seen. It is the one constant that has never forsaken you. It gives you the capacity to love and the courage to endure.

Zero and Infinity

In the Beginning

Life is meaningless at the beginning. In other words, it has no meaning, no reason for why it appears and how it appears. Life just is. This is because as infants we have yet to develop those faculties of the intellect that are able to take this holistic view and break it down through analysis. From that very first glimpse of an undifferentiated world our mind quickly learns through its surroundings to differentiate.

Prior to the beginning of perception there is truly nothing. The Zero. Yet, in that first moment, when the infant emerges from the womb and the world is felt for the first time there emerges the One. It is an overwhleming sense of existence, of one existence. This is the is-ness or the such-ness that the buddhists speak of. Yet even this undifferentiated sense of existence has emerged from the void of the Zero. In this primal state, the infant has yet to draw a clear line of demarcation between himself and the world. Everything internal and external is felt as one, as yet unbroken, experience. The sights, the sounds, the smells and colors of the outside world as well as the sensations, feelings, yearnings and pain of his internal system. The infant does not know that they are separate.

Yet, as the mind develops, so the infant develops self awareness. And as the awareness of the Self is born, so is born the awareness of the World = that which is not the Self = the other. And so 1 becomes 2.

The infant's rapidly growing self awareness now shines light upon its own needs and desires. It perceives certain factors/events/people in the environment as ones that can satisfy its needs and others that cannot. Its capacity to discriminate and divide the outside world increases in direct proportion with its ability to become more subtly aware of its own needs and desires. And so the 2 becomes 4 and then 8 and begins proliferating at an exponential rate. 

Yet, other than in moments where needs are felt strongly in which this awareness of separation arises, the infant's mind remains blissfully vacant and observant. Its awareness is open, unbiased and curious. You may have witnessed a baby wailing for a bottle becomes immediately quiet and at ease the moment its needs are met. It effortlessly returns to its natural open undifferentiated self. This is because it is as yet unable to use thought.

The Technique of Differentiation

However, as the child grows its mind develops the ability to think. Thinking is a curious activity because it allows the being the ability to construct abstract realities. Once this abstract reality has been constructed the being can make the choice to either experience the actul reality or an abstraction of it. It is a truly powerful ability that infants don't possess. When an infant's needs are met it doesn't choose to drop the issue and move on out of some deeper wisdom, it drops the issue and moves on because it doesn't have the ability to hold on to it. Because it can't formulate a thought (a combination of image, sound and language) its tools for abstraction are very rudimentary.

The growing child comes face to face with the greatest reality of life. The reality that all beings feel need and that needs are not always met. The infant feels this too, but its only mechanism for coping with unmet needs is to wail. Children, as their minds begin to develop, also begin to develop more sophisticated mechanisms for coping with this sense of unmet needs - the sense of lack. While most will still respond with some amount of chagrin, tantrumming, wailing, they also learn to develop techniques of denial, suppression, avoidance, self-identification and self-criticism. By seeing that externalizing doesn't always work, they begin to realize that sometimes internalizing can help distract the mind from that very raw and powerful sensation of lack.

Finally, as he develops into an adolescent and finally and adult the mind has reached a high degree of sophistication in its abiltity to differentiate. Yet somewhere along the way, that sense of self, which the infant could always default to so effortlessly, has become scattered and lost in the labyrinth of the mind. The thought processes that began with a very specific purpose have instead hijacked the entire experience of "living" for this person. No longer is he able to abstract at will but rather everything has become an abstraction. Thinking has taken over the act of perception so every sensory input is now forced through the additional filter of the thinking mind.

But why did this thinking begin in the first place? It began with the innocent desire to fulfil lack. There is an underlying assumption in every self-referential thought, that somehow the more true a thought is the closer it brings the individual to a resolution of that lack. But thought is an energy. And a thought believed gives rise to another thought. And like a chain reaction thoughts trigger one another creating a thought process. Each thought process feeds another need. And in turn is fed by need. And so while the innocent desire of every thought is to fulfil a need, the effect instead is that it magnifies it and makes it more acute.

This is easily observable in your own mind. Lets say you are starving and the need for food preoccupies your mind. The need is real and yet your mind generates a certain momentum of thinking around this need which magnifies it. Perhaps, it weaves a story around this need, of your plight, your poverty, of a past when these needs were not met, or of a world in which there are others who suffer just as you do. Immersed in thought this need becomes the most overarching concern of you life. You are no different than the infant who was wailing for his bottle. Yet your techniques are far more sophisticated and effective. Using a simple need that all creatures feel your mind has used its powers of abstraction and created an entire worldview and self-view based on it. And so while starving is painful, it is the mind made abstraction that creates the real suffering. At this moment, you get a call from someone telling you of some great news. Immediately, your mind shifts its focus. The pain of starvation is still prevalent yet the awareness of it has receded. Now you find youself immersed in a different story.    

This sense of lack translates into our material lives, political lives, family lives, spiritual lives. Every opinion we hold of the world is inextricably linked to an opinion we hold of ourselves which in turn is rooted in lack. Most begin believing that material ambition is the key to addressing material needs which is what they primarily classify this lack to be. Somewhere along the way, we realize that this is not just a material issue but is larger - it is perhaps an economic or political issue. And we then turn our ambitions towards solving the problems of the world. After spinning our wheels in desperation and finding no fulfilment to the sense of lack - we decide that perhaps the issue is not something out there but rather something that goes deeper - an existential/philosophical issue. And we immerse ourselves in the spiritual life and seek to find an end to sufferng.

The Zero that became the One and then the Two has now proliferated into the several thousands. The differentiation of the Self and the world knows no limits. the human mind has learned to differentiate reality into finer and finer layers. From the macroscopic to the microscopic, from the universal to the quantum and everything in between. Even our powers of self analysis have become exceedingly more intricate, subtle and sophisticated. And yet what is driving this growth and this over-arching need for differentiation is, paradoxically, a need to integrate - to become whole again.

The Art of Integration

At some point, in every individual's life the differentiation reaches a critical mass, a tipping point. Until now, the individual's entire focus was projected outwards into the world. Its drives were internal, mostly fed by lack, but its focus and solution-seeking was pointed outwards. The tipping point happens suddenly and is usually catalyzed by some traumatic external event or a culmination of significant psychological suffering. When this happens, the individual suddenly becomes aware of the lack as an entity, this bottomless void of need. Until now it has always been driven by it, but for the first time it becomes aware of it as a primary operating principle in its life.

Coming face to face with this void is a tremendously sobering experience. And can cause a deep sense of emptiness, meaninglessness, listlessness. In other words, the experience is one of deep depression. Because in perceiving the void, we have perceived, for the first time since our minds fully engaged as infants, the Zero. And this seeing is not something we are ready for. We are confronted with the meaninglessness of life for the very first time and it is unacceptable to us. And we respond the way we have been taught by our minds to - with denial, suppression, wailing, blame. And we may somehow learn to ignore what we've seen and find some way to rationalize it away for the time being but that can only be temporary. Because what has been seen once can't be unseen.

When we glimpse that void what we have really glimpsed is the end point. Where the journey reaches its final purpose. Now, the process of Integration begins. The process of becoming whole again. And for this purpose the mind becomes the secondary tool of choice. The primary tool is the heart, the tool of intuition.

This process of integration is not all that straightforward. The mind which has always been in charge is resistant to let go of its domination. The heart is a much gentler tool that does not assert its views as obviously. Yet, its motivations are deep and its currents powerful. If the mind is like a gushing stream which carries you away, the heart is like an ocean current that grips you and drags you into the depths of your self.

Yet we are more inclined to follow the motivations of our minds initially than the murmurings of our hearts. And so there is a bit of stuttering, of integration and differentiation and integration and differentiation. Somewhere along the process the benefits of the integration become evident even to the mind. It realizes that it needs to get on board with the program. And yet therein lies the ultimate paradox. Because the mind can never integrate. The integration must happen in spite of it and not because of it. And that is the ultimate dilemma. Because true integration can only happen once the mind has relinquished its throne and taken a backseat to a far more powerful force.

And so even in mystics or spiritual seekers there is a strong sense of identification that persists. Where the mind continues to entertain the fantasy that it is somehow in control of the integration. That it is responsible for it. In this way, it becomes the final barrier to the integration. Because it continues to differentiate its own existence from that of the being. It believes that there is the I and there is the Self. And as long as this separation exists, the seeking of the I for it's Self exists. "I am searching for myself", "I am trying to find myself". This is the differentiation created by the mind. It is a fiction. And the most obvious fiction of all.

Integration is the process, where the heart takes over. Intuition now begins to guide the being into a fuller realization of its self. And with each phase as the being integrates, there is a gradual dissolution of boundaries. The things/events/people that it previously perceived as separate and alien now begin to resonate with it. There is a deeper understanding an empathy less rooten in judgment which is a function of the mind and more rooted in wisdom which is function of the heart. Acceptance becomes a more prevalent state as opposed to the resistance energy of the mind.
Realization of Self

However, while integration is a process that eventually must reach its natural conclusion, its conclusion isn't necessary for the Self to realize its true nature. Rather at some point the Self sees what it is, with profound clarity. Let us return to that moment when the individual reached the critical mass, the tipping point. At that moment, as I mentioned it came face to face with the void. And it turned away in denial. That glimpse is what becomes the driving force for the integration. Because in glimpsing the void what the being has really glimpsed is into the entire nature of reality. It has seen that everything is ultimately void. Is nothing. Is Zero. Through a trust in the integration process, we are able to allow for the first time the inherent emptiness of everything. It is the same emptiness that is the basis of our entire experience.  From this emptiness the Self arises. And with the Self the world arises. And with the arising of these two, arise the infinite possibilities. This is the great realization that buddhists refer to as the No Self, the hindus as the Higher Self.

Quantum theorists have discovered that reality exists only in a potential form. That everything potentially exists in wave form and it is the act of observation or awareness that makes a wave collapse into its particle form. Until the moment of observation Nothing exists and everything only potentially exists. And yet in the moment of observation everything comes into existence. The Infinite is born out of the Zero. Reality only exists in the moment. Past and future are only abstractions of the mind. In every moment, it is our awareness that creates the reality of the infinite.

In university, I remember sitting in calculus class pondering the concepts of zero and infinity. Studying limits and functions, differentiation and integration I realized somewhere is my subconsciousness that all this had a profoundly deeper implication than we were being lead to believe. It is only through my own introspection and experience of life that I am able to see what all this was implying. The differentiation and the integration is the universal story of proliferation and a return to wholeness, of orginal sin and redemption, of the Big Bang and the Big Crunch, of birth and death, of suffering and enlightenment. The individual in this story is the function whose limit tends to infinity and then tends once again to zero always arriving from moment to moment yet never reaching its final destination. Because to be human is to grow incessantly, relentlessly.

But somewhere along the way there is a realization that what we truly are is beyond all of it. We are the awareness itself, the awareness of the Zero, of the One, Two and the Infinity. It is the play of Life. It is how the source of consciousness recognizes itself, becomes aware of itself. It sees itself by playing this game. By performing the calculus of the soul.

Consciousness is All

Consciousness lies at the foundation of the material Universe. It is the basis of every form in existence, living and inanimate. It is the single animating factor and guiding principle without which the entire Universe would have no existence.

Everything is conscious. From a blade of grass to a cat in a tree to a mound of sand to the human mind. Every one of these entities is an instrument of consciousness. In fact, to say "we are conscious" is not quite as accurate as to say "we are consciousness itself". Because an instrument's potential is only made manifest by the player without whom it is only an inanimate object.

Think of consciousness as being like electricity. While the universe of electronics is vast and varied in attribute and function they are nevertheless united in one single truth - that without electricity they have no means of manifesting their realities. Whether the object is a simple appliance like a toaster which serves no other purpose than to toast 2 pieces of bread or the object is a complex super-computer that is able to calculate and process vast amounts of information intelligently, both are nonetheless rendered identically obsolete in the absence of electricity.

If you have ever had someone close to you die, and if you have ever witnessed their body laying in the casket, there is something rather striking that you will have the opportunity to observe. You may have a sense that somehow the person lying in front of you is not exactly the person you feel has left you. To the mind the image of the person, the hair, the eyes, the expression matches perfectly. Memory reaffirms that this is indeed the very same person. But beneath the grief, if you are able to reflect deeply enough in silence, it may dawn on you that what lies before you is merely an image, a mirage - a vessel that has fulfilled its purpose even if that purpose is obscured from your understanding. What is and has always been of the greatest essence about that person - the light, the animation, the compassion and the pain - in short, their humanity has vanished into thin air. The body and the brain that lie evidently in front of you are the obvious imposters. Never more than at the moment of death is it more obvious as to what the true identity of a person really is.

Consciousness is what animates every being. And this consciousness is universal and impersonal. It in itself has no material reality. It's only contact point in the material world is through form which it lives through for a while until the form has served its purpose and then it retracts, just like electricity animates the instrument until the instrument no longer is able to function. And even though the death of a person is a loss of the particular expression of consciousness, what we love the most about the other is what we love most about ourselves. Consciousness is the single animating energy that is common to us all.

Self-realization is the shift in identification from seeing one's Self as the instrument of consciousness to seeing one's Self as the root of consciousness itself. This "I" or this sense of being is the one constant and continuous aspect of our experience. Everything else changes: our thoughts, our emotions, our minds, our bodies, our relationships, our circumstances, everything is flux. Only this undefinable and unjustifiable sense of "I am" of "I exist" persists regardless and independent of the conditions in which it persists. That deep rooted sense of being prior to thought, prior to recognition, prior even to the perception of it, is not separate from consciousness. It is consciousness itself prior to it becoming anything, prior to consciousness manifesting as a thought or emotion or perception or recognition. In a state of open awareness pure consciousness can be experienced. And yet language necessarily implies a duality/separation where no duality exists. This is the state of pure being. Of pure awareness. And it is the foundation of each and every individual existence.

Each and every person, when allowed to fall quiet in meditation has the opportunity to contact that very same impersonal awareness. This state which has been given many names such as Brahman by the Hindus, no-mind (mu-shin) or Big mind by Zen buddhists, the Holy Spirit by Christianity, Fanaa by the Sufi muslims is none other than that vast impersonal consciousness as yet unmanifested. If a quantum theorist were to use their own jargon to coin a term for it, it would be something like the 'field of quantum potentiality'.

This consciousness is at the heart of existence. It is that sense of "I exist". It is infinite and unreachable by the mind because it is prior to the mind. The mind can only reflect on it through thought which is only the overlay of an image. The mind cannot experience it.  And yet the mind functions because of it. It is the very ground of our experience.Whatever consciousness touches comes to life, whatever consciousness retracts from dies. Yet consciousness itself has no limitation nor does it have a beginning or end. It gives a seeming reality to all that it illuminates just like the sun creates mirages in the desert heat.

Mind Games (part 2)

(...continued from part 1)

This word Self-awareness gets tossed around a lot. We humans are considered a self-aware species. Most other creatures are not. But what does that mean - to be self-aware? Can the self be aware of the self? Can this "I" be aware of the "I"?

We live in a dualistic universe. A universe in which for perception to occur there needs to be a subject and an object linked together by the act of perception, the perceiving. The subject perceives the object, the object is perceived by the subject. The act of perceiving is the only thing that gives any reality to this subject-object relationship.

Now the question is can "I" be both the subject and the object of my own perception? In other words, can perception link an entity back to itself. So lets further analyze this. What are the different ways in which we tend to perceive ourselves:
1. we can perceive our bodies visually through a reflection in the mirror
2. we can perceive our bodies sensually through the 5 senses
3. we can perceive our self-image mentally through thought and emotion
4. we can perceive our bodies and minds through relation and reaction with our environments including people, places and objects

If you look closely enough, in all of these processes the subject that is perceiving and the object being perceived are in fact not identical at all.

In case 1, much like in the photograph example from part1 the object is an image in the mirror which actually is nothing but photons of light reacting with the silver lining behind the glass generating a virtual representation of a body.

In case 2, what we perceive as sensual experience - taste, smell, vision, hearing and feeling is nothing but electrical impulses firing between neurons in the brain that confirm a sense of ownership over the experience. If you were to lose your vision or hearing or taste you wouldn't feel any less you. There may be a sense of loss of ability but not of identity. In a sensory deprivation chamber your sense of self continues to operate.

In case 3, as discussed in part1, every thought/emotion is a mental response mechanism. Thoughts/emotions are reactions, they are triggered: by people, environmental events, by other thoughts and emotions. A thought/emotion is not a thing - it is an event. These thought/emotion events are occuring constantly within our minds triggering at split-second intervals. This continuous series of thought/emotion forms a thoughtstream: a seemingly continuous and real entity. Because most of our brains are going a mile-a-minute, thinking/emoting feels like the natural/resting state of the mind but it isn't. Just like you only notice that the air conditioning in the room was on when it suddenly turns off and you're hit by a period of dead silence. Similarly, the natural resting state of the mind is one of silence.

The issue is that thinking/emoting is a sort of chain reaction. If thoughts and emotions were only triggered by external events there would be a lot less stimulus to contend with. But in actuality, thoughts and emotions only trigger more thoughts and emotions leading to a sort of mental effervescing effect also know as stress. Extreme stress can lead to more serious mental and behavioural issues. Which is why meditation as a practice is so highly valued by many eastern cultures as a means of bringing the mind periodically back to its natural resting state. One where awareness is open and not preoccupied with mental content which has its own place and purpose. In fact, zazen which is the zen buddhist form of meditation literally means "just sitting". Its not an esoteric la-dee-da spiritual practice rather its a highly specialized and precise exercise. To 'just sit' means to allow the mind to rest in its natural awareness.

Just like the body when worked too hard breaks down under physical stress so does the brain under mental stress. The brain is after all only a machine and every machine breaks down when improperly maintained. While deep sleep is nature's way of guaranteeing a daily forced rest period for the mind, Meditation and simple awareness allows the mind a chance to recover and recuperate insight, perspective and most importantly creativity.

But to bring it back to point, very few of us have even experienced what it feels like for the mind to be free of thought/emotion for more than a second. Our brains have become so charged with mental momentum that it literally is a runaway train. We have very little control over what we think and when we think. The thinking happens, constantly, obsessively and we have no ability to stop it. Which is why we literally need to run to the furthest corners of the world to some remote tropical beach for a week to soothe our minds, such little control do we have over it.

But what is the energy or impetus that gives our minds this momentum. What is the juice fueling this runaway train on? This brings us back to the question of self-awareness. It is because the "I" perceives this mindstream as being itself. The "I" mistakes the image for its own identity.

Lets look at the story with Bart Simpson and the label gun again. We are currently attempting to investigate what this "I", this sense of being a self, a somebody, really is? Through a process of elimination we are seeing how the body, the mind, thoughts and emotions are all the various kinds of images that we create of ourselves. And so what looks like the Self perceiving itself is really only the Self perceiving an image of itself and not really itself. So why does the Self make the mistake of assuming that it is the image it perceives?

Think of the Self as Bart's label gun. Every act of perception is a new label triggered by the gun. And whatever the label sticks to is the object of the Self's perception. So here is the gun, firing continuously like a semi-automatic rifle at anything and everything it points to. And out go the labels with the letters M,E on them attacing themselves to all the furniture, the walls, the appliances and even the family dog. This is in a nutshell how self-identification works. The sense of Self projects itself outwardly through perception launching and attacing its labels. If it attaches to its mindstream, it identifies with the mindstream - "these thoughts are me, these emotions are me." If it attaches itself to the body - "this body is me." The more adhesive the label the more strongly indentified the Self is with its own images. The less adhesive the labels the more easily the Self is able to drop its preoccupations with its image.

In fact, by following this analogy it is possible to see how 99.9% of who we think we are is a complete figment of our imaginations...

(to be continued...)    

Mind Games (part 1)

The human brain is a complex machine - a multifaceted network of several highly specialized mechanisms working in relationship, interpreting and navigating reality. It is the command center of the body, simultaneously coordinating cognition, logic, emotion, motor skills, vital organ function, cellular growth etc. It is a computer with a complexity we are only beginning to understand. And yet, for all the breakthroughs in neuroscience the question of self-awareness - this entity of "I" continues to elude us.

There was a time when the brain was thought to be a useless mass of jelly with no particular function, similar to the appendix. The heart, was then misconstrued to be the center of self-awareness and intelligence. With the development of modern medicine and anatomy we were able to witness first hand the different processes that occur in the brain and how it responds to reality. But even more fascinatingly, science is now beginning to discover how reality is shaped by the brain.

We all live in relative worlds. And even though the general consensus is that there is this one objective world out the that we are all a part of, closer inspection reveals quite the opposite. And this is quite simply illustrated by the following example. When you look at a chair, photons of light reflecting off the chair's surface enter your retinas and are transmitted in the form of electrical impules (information) through your optic nerves into your brain. The brain then interprets this information by generating a visual image in the mind of the chair. Other parts of the brain then refer to this mental image of a chair to further analyze/dissect as is necessary. Now, chances are a chair is not going to inspire so much sensational mind activity although test it out the next time you take a trip down to ikea. Regardless, at all points of time all you ever have access to is the image of the chair and not the chair itself. In fact, there is no way to verify that the "chair" even exists other than by making the assumption that our image corresponds to an identical reality.

In fact, quantumn theory insists that there is no such thing as a 'reality' out there. There is only potentiality. Everything exists in waves of potentiality which, once observed, collapse into an object or event. The question is does the collapse happen 'out there' or 'in here' (in our heads)?

What is a photograph? Now I'm talking about the old school photos, the ones you had to diligently develop in a dark room. A photograph is nothing more than a chemical reaction. Light enters the lens of the camera causing a sort of patterned imprint on the film called a negative. This negative when developed through a chemical process then produces a "positive" image of the scene witnessed. Now imagine you go to Banff and take a picture of Lake Louise and show it to your friends and families once back. They begin to oooh and aaah about how beautiful it looks. Why are they ooh-ing and aah-ing? Are they that inspired by a mundane chemical reaction on a piece of paper? No, its because they don't see a chemical reaction they experience the image of it in their minds which is identical to the image you have in your mind except yours was derived from a completely different source.

Now one may argue that trying to compare actually being in Banff versus seeing a photo of it is ridiculous and you would be right from that perspective. But the only reason they don't compare is because the scope of the two experiences don't match up. After all a photograph is a tiny 2 dimensional object compared to hundreds of square miles of rugged wilderness. However, my point still stands. If you were to somehow increase the scope of the "photograph" to say a 3D hologram in a super IMAX environment with all the smells, sounds and other visual inputs necessary to mimic the banff experience you would have come remarkably close to forming an exact replica of the image in the brain. Or approach it the other way around. Imagine a friend blindfolds you in toronto and takes you on a plane to Alberta, puts you in a car and drives you to a specific vista point above Lake Louise. Then he places a black box over your head with a rectangular cutout roughly the size of a standard photograph. Then plugging your nose and ears, he removes the blindfold from only one eye, for exactly one minute and allows you ro see Lake Louise without allowing you to move your head within the limits of the box. If that is the extent of your experience of Lake Louise, the image generated in your brain would be nearly identical to a photograph of the exact same scene. Now these are 2 obviously different realities, one physical, the other chemical, generating identical images in our brain. As a result the memory of Lake Louise would be no different. In fact, the conclusion scientists are coming to these days is that the reality we take to be objective is really virtual or simulated.

True reality if it even looks like anything would be indecipherable - waves of potentiality collapsing into electrons - even time and space are only relative having no real existence within potentiality. The human brain is a mechanism with a capacity far beyond anything we can imagine. Not only does it interpret reality, it actually creates it.

Each brain creates an image of the world based on sensory input which it then constantly references as reality. Since each brain is separate for the next it follows that each person's image of the world is completely self contained and separate from the others. We literally live in separate worlds. This all sounds kind of interesting in theory but it paints a pretty bleak picture. Because if we are actually that separate and disconnected what does it say about human relationship?

Thats where I come in. No, not me Shiv, but the "I" the sense of Self : of self identity. This new paradigm of reality affords an opportunity to revisit the whole idea of how we approach ourselves and our identities. Because its this "I", the elusive scoundrel, that has been giving philosophers and scientists a run for their money for centuries. According to scientists, there is a function of the brain dubbed as the "Interpreter" (image of Nicole Kidman comes to mind) that is the storyteller of the mind. He's like that old uncle or senile grandfather who told the same stories to everyone as they tried desperately not to nod off, fabricating it a little bit each time until not only was he the one who poisoned Hitler but he also bought baby jesus a PSP for his first birthday. Its ludicrous I know, but the Interpreter is the "fabricator" of reality: making 'sense' of nonsense, using causality to link events and objects and filling in the gaps in between to form a seamless continuity: a story of ME. In fact, this sense of I is so discontinuous and full of holes it doesn't take a whole lot to expose it.

Most of what we believe ourselves to be is derived from perception and memory. We've already talked about how unreliable perception is, but memory is even faultier. Not only does memory use perception as its very foundation but all it really is the perception of a perception. If the very mechanism of perception is subjective then each iteration exponentially increases the likelihood of error. Try a simple activity - think about your day yesterday. Plain and simple - start at the beginning, from the moment you woke up and now try and recount exactly what you did, felt and thought on a minute by minute basis for the entire day. How accurately can you recount your day? A hundred per cent accuracy would mean your story of how your day went would take nearly exactly as long to recount as your actual day went. Most of us would be lucky if the story would take even 5 minutes, some of you particularly attentive ones may get up to 20 mins. But in a 16 hour day recollecting 5 mins means that you are able to effectively recall only 0.5% of your day. 99.5% of it falls into a black hole. Your memory is so unreliable and full of loopholes it would make the government of India look like one of the most honest and efficient institutions on the planet. And yet we believe in the relaibility of our own minds. We believe in its reality. Would you ever buy a piece of swiss cheese that is 99% hole and 1% cheese?

So then why do we believe the story? Why do we believe these realities our minds conjure up. If we are living in the Matrix, why then like brave but emotionally challenged protagonist Neo are we not able to break the spell of illusion?

There is a particular episode of the Simpsons where Bart is given a label-gun for his Birthday. What clever Bart does is he walks around the house labelling each and every item he sees with the words "Bart Simpson" including all the furniture, the refrigerator and even the dog. When questioned by Lisa who is far too wise for his nonsense as to why he claims ownership of all these items his response is because it says so on the label.

That is exactly what the sense of 'I' is. It is not a thing per say, not an object suspended in space. If you were asked to point to yourself you would most likely point to your body but soon you would realize that the body is an instrument that belongs to you and serves you but isn't "you" per se. So then you may point to your brain, the command center. With a little more introspection you would see that the command center is once more a complex mechanism but where is the commander? Interestingly, studies in Neuroscience have revealed that the command center functions quite autonomously and there is no such 'commander' to be found. There's no one in control, no one in charge. Its a phantom, a hoax. This so-called 'I' can't be found. And yet if there is one thing that each and everyone of us would defend to our dying breaths is "I know that I exist!" The world would be united in their chagrin, men and women, liberals and fundamentalists, protestors and corporate fatcats, oil companies and green peace activists alike would show their solidarity on this one issue. Because to undermine the existence of the "I" is to pull out the rug from beneath everyone's feet equally and unanimously.

(to be continued...)

The Gauntlet

The "I" is nothing more than an image frozen in time. The person is a series of snapshots taken in quick succession by the mind. a discontinuous and distorted album of pictures, a glorified flip book.

Each morning the pages of the flipbook are flipped, the images are strung together by some rudimentary mental processes until from the flurry some hazy, shifting image of a 'person' emerges.

In deep sleep are you aware? Are you still the same person with your trials and tribulations? Without your thoughts and memories constantly reminding you that you are suffering, are you suffering? Without your thoughts and memories constantly reminding you that you are "YOU" are you "YOU"? Can you even reference a person independant of the image in your mind? Without your image do you even exist?

Every idea, opinion or belief you have ever had or held true is linked to the primary image of the person you think yourself to be. If that very image is false than what do you truly know?

Are you ready to abandon the crutch that is the mind and immerse yourself in true introspection? Only Silence can reveal Reality. In order to see the light of truth one must first step out of the shadow of the mind.

The Dream of a Person

What is that which compels me to write? It is an unknown motivation in the deepest sense. It masquerades from time to time as a "need for recognition" or "artistic expression" yet these are only the ways in which my mind interprets that which is beyong its capacity to fathom.

The only way for me to approach it is by intuition rather than intellect. Any attempts to grasp it intellectually only serves to overlay it with another conceptual projection and in doing so only adds a layer of separation. So I approach it intuitively, blindly, groping and feeling my way towards it much like a man navigating his way through darkness. I have left my knowledge at the door. I proceed unprepared, uncertain.

What is that which compels me to attempt to grasp this? Strangely enough it feels no different. What compels me to write, what compels me to understand why I write. Feeling, groping, hesitant and faltering I have no choice but to focus entirely on this landscape as it reveals itself to me moment by moment. I am aware of moving, aware of being, aware that i am aware. Yet, what is it that compels me to be aware?

Every breath in my body, every step I take forward, every thought shooting across my mind, every emotion flooding my senses is compelled. My constant recognition of my self and my own existence is compelled. What is it that compels me?

This person is no more than a passenger. It is his paranoia that givs him his sense of control. Sitting in the passenger seat, steering an imaginary wheel, pressing an imaginary accelerator, stamping an imaginary brake, he congratulates himself when the vehicle responds his way and chastises himself when it doesn't. He is a fool who has created a world based upon fear and control. And yet he doesn't know from where he came form or where he will go. In fact, he has only just appeared, but don't tell him that because he doesn't want to hear it.

How long can you trace a wave with your eyes before it disappears forever? Love is all there is. It compels and is compelled. In this moment time cannot exist. Without memory, the person is the place where sound meets silence.

The person cannot experience reality. The person can only remember it in hinsight. He is gone the moment he appears. Birth and death are instantaneous. All else is the stuff of dreams.

Relax and enjoy the ride.

The Deep Peace of Not Knowing

The uncertainty principle as stated by the physicisit Werner Heisenberg goes something like this: "it is impossible to simultaneously determine the position and momentum of a particle with absolute certainty." Another way to understand this, according to Heisenberg, is : the act of measuring one magnitude of the particle, whether it be the mass, velocity or momentum of the particle, immediately blurs the other two magnitudes and makes them 'uncertain'. So, for example, if you measure the particle's mass precisely it is fundamentally impossible to accurately measure its velocity and momentum and vice cersa. This has nothing to do with our techniques or technology which are advanced enough. Quantum physicists have long recognized that Uncertainty is a fundamental property of the Universe.

From the very sub-atomic level, Uncertainty is the thread that weaves our Reality. Time, space, matter and energy are all subject to the same Uncertainty. It blew the world away when Einstein talked about the relativity of space-time. Today, physicists at the cutting edge of quantum research would be hard pressed to admit whether even the most basic things we believe to be true about ourselves and our realities are actually true. Instead, they would more likely use terms like "high probability" or "low probability" because they have long since realized that Reality itself is not a static state but more akin to a field of potentiality. Try to imagine a world in which everything that happened, is happening and will happen only "probably happens". Thats it. Its hard for our minds to grasp this on anything but a theoretical level.

On a practical level it seems to have no relevance. And so we'd rather leave it up to those brainy, awkward physicists to worry about. How does one even use language to describe anything anymore? Bob goes: "So what are you doing?" And I answer: "I'm probably sitting at my desk, probably drinking a coffee." Or if I want to get really technical: "This person that I probably think I probably am is probably sitting at a probable desk probably drinking what is probably a coffee." You could take it even further but that would just get annoying. And so while there are a few people who ponder these issues on a philosophical level, engaging in debate and feeling all the more intellectual for it, when it comes time to go home and do the dishes none of the philosophizing really has any relevance anymore.

But you don't have to delve deeply into quantum physics and ponder the nature of Reality in order to sense the truth of the Uncertainty principle. In fact, if you just take a look at your own life you'll find that it is something that you experience 24 hours a day. If you bring some awareness into your own thought processes, the feelings, the stimuli and the emotions in your system you'll find that everything stems from that sense of Uncertainty. Its there underlying every motivation, every idea, every goal, every desire, every fear. We are in constant relationship with Uncertainty. And more often than not its a relationship that is far from harmonious.

When you wake up in the morning you most likely have an idea of how you're day is going to go or at the very least how you'd like it to go. Your mind has already forecasted a blueprint of events which evolves as your day moves along. At every step along your day your mind will be evaluating the Reality of what is actually happening against what it forecasted to happen. In fact, you may not even be very concious of this but its happening and the proof of this is in your reactions to events...

The subway train you were supposed to be on was full and the people cramming the doorway didn't even have the courtesy to make room for you. As a result you walked in late to work and even though your manager didn't say a word you just know he/she's judging you. You feel agitated, rushed and hot. This is a reaction to events that did not happen as they were forecasted or "supposed to". Embedded within this reaction are all the thoughts and feelings that rise in our minds and bodies: our judgments of others, our judgments of the situation, our judgments of ourselves. Our entire experience of "who we are" is perpetually suspended in the purgatory that lies somewhere in between Reality and our expectations.

The entire human condition can be summed up in one phrase: "The Human relationship with Reality." As long as we continue to believe, against all wisdom and intuition, that we can control Life and events, in other words, that we can achieve certianty in our lives, we are denying the most fundamental property on which Nature is built and as a result missing the entire point of Life. Even if you are successful in really nailing down your career, maybe your personal life suffers. You nail down your personal life, your health suffers. You achieve excellent health, your kids cant stand you. We're constantly juggling all these aspects of our lives trying desperately to keep all the balls in the air. And it all stems from one place - a denial of Uncertainty.

When you go to sleep tonight, will you wake up tomorrow? Even if you do, will the sun rise tomorrow? Even if it does will the people you love still be there tomorrow? Even if they are, will your job still be there tomorrow? Even if it is, will you still make it to work tomorrow? If we all look at this honestly, the only true answer we could offer is "probably". There is absolutely no certainty that any of these will happen. In fact, all there ever is is Uncertainty. All we can hope for is a high probability. And even that is something not within our control. You do not make the decision to wake up in the morning, it just happens. It just as well could not happen. You don't decide for the sun to rise, it happens. It just as well may not. You don't decide for the people you love to be around you, because they just as well may not.

Our relationship with Uncertainty manifests itself in all our daily relationships: our relationships with work, with family, friends, our significant others, ourselves. We are all desperately seeking security : emotional, physical, financial, spiritual. Security is just another word for certainty. We are an inherently insecure species. We are uncomfortable with uncertainty and so we create the delusion of certainty, we put it on a pedestal and we chase after it for the rest of our lives like a carrot on a stick.

Its not easy to perceive any other way of living because our society and the very principles it upholds keep us fixated on this delusion. Our governments and financial institutions are always promising us greater certainty. In our jobs we desperately struggle to hold on to securtiy. For most, marriage is a means of "sealing the deal" providing a sense of certainty about your partner's presence in your life. The promise of "forever" is an unfortunate lie that both members commit to unwittingly. The intentions may be true but sadly the very basis of commitment is the insecurity or fear that the opposite may happen. The only authentic way to approach any relationship whether it may be with work, with your family, with your spouse or yourself is one in which you can exist in harmony with Uncertainty.

The reality is that we don't know. The reality is that we can never know. This kind of statement is almost blasphemous in our present culture. We are a very "certain" species. We are "certain" of ourselves, "certain" of our faiths, "certain" of our political affiliations, "certain" of our stances on current issues, "certain" of what we want from life, "certain" of what we need from our relationships, "certain" of what we deserve, "certain" of what others deserve. But lets return to something that we stated earlier. Uncertainty, not certainty, is a fundamental property of Reality. And so when we are "certain" we are essentially in a state of resistance with Reality. We hold our perceptions and presumptions in higher regard that that which exists. Its our way of convincing ourselves that we are in control.

In reality, certainty is the other face of doubt. Notice how extremely fundamental people also seem like the most certain. In fact, its a common experience for many of us that the most stubborn, ignorant and insecure members of our societies are often the most certain about what they believe. Whereas the more flexible, knowledgeable and free thinking are often more allowing of room to grow and expand their positions. Its that indirect admission that we "may not know" that opens our minds a little. To quote a famous zen story: "a student goes to a Zen Master and asks him to give him the teaching. The Master invites him in for a cup of tea. As the Master pours him some tea, the cup fills and then begins to overflow onto the table. The student exclaims," Stop Master! No more will go in" The Master responds, "Your mind too, like this cup is full. How can I give you the teaching when no more will go in? First you must empty your cup."

This isn't just a feel good parable. Its extremely relevant and extremely practical. Our notions of reality blur our view of Reality. Life is a spontaneous and unknowable landscape. But in our minds it appears as something quite different. Until we are willing to purge ourselves of all our certainties and come face to face with Uncertainty, that demon that we have always been attempting to escape, we will never see it for what it truly is. Embedded in every moment is the essence of Uncertainty. To truly experience a moment in all its spontaneity is to be in complete harmony with this Uncertainty.

Not knowing is a choice as courageous as it is humbling. Not knowing is a willingness to see into the true Nature of Reality and our Selves. Through reflection or by some series of circumstance, often harsh life events, we will be exposed to this lack of certainty in our own lives. Some of us will respond by renewing or doubling our efforts to regain that certainty, but some of us, embattled and exhausted will be forced to face our new reality - that we are not in control and that we cannot really know. From here, some of us may live in a kind of hesitating, unsure relationship with Life not denying but not really trusting the Uncertainty. But some of us may have seen deeply enough through our experience, that Uncertainy is actually all that really exists. In fact, when we glance back at our lives, we find that through every stage and every event, it was our one true and constant companion.

We all come into this world not knowing. Infants are by nature harmonious. They have the ability to put people at ease and make them smile even in the midst of a hot and crowded bus. Its not as if they intend to have this effect, they just naturally emanate ease. We were all born that way. It is our essential nature to be in harmony with Uncertainty, to be comfortable with not knowing. However, we were educated out of our own natures by our parents, by our society. And we will do the same with our children. We will teach them to be cautious and fearful. We will teach them to be mistrusting and uneasy. We will teach them that certainty of thought, emotion and circumstance is the highest principles to strive for. In other words we will teach them how not to be natural. And our children, like us, will fall from grace and spend their lives, unbeknownst to them, struggling to regain some remnant of the peace they once felt a long long time ago. Not realizing that the very thing they believe will take them there is the very thing that is denying them.

When one is ready to surrender to Life, one surrenders everything. Embracing the Uncertainty means letting go of all the ways we hold on to some shred of control. With this letting go comes a recognition of a much deeper Intelligence operating through all of us and all of Reality. Scientists have long maintained that in a Universe as diverse and chaotic as ours, the odds that events lined up so serendipitously, that this Earth that we live on just "happened" to be the right size, the right distance from the Sun, have the right atmosphere and the right amount of water necessary, the right impulse to create life and the right confluence of coincidences since that have been sustaining Life eon after eon - all this is nothing short of a miracle. In fact, that humanity can even exist in this moment is so low on the probablity index that its like hitting the New York lottery minute after minute in a row for millenia. And yet we believe in certainty.

When you truly embrace Uncertainty, you have the opportunity to see that your own will is only an illusion. It is Nature that is moving through you, moving you, guiding you. It is the Intelligence of the Universe, the same one that makes the cherry blossoms bloom in spring, the one that keeps the Earth revolving around the Sun, the one that makes your cat purr and keeps your heart beating; that has been guiding you every step of the way on your journey. The person you thought yourself to be and the control you thought you had over your own reality was nothing but a dream. Its the illusion you reaffirmed to yourself in order to hide from Reality.

When you embrace Uncertainty, there is a sense of true humility. This is the humility that recognizes that we do not and cannot really know. And with this willingness to not know comes a deep and lasting peace.